monique’s Neighborhood

The Proust Questionnaire

Tiffany introduced it to me, via Jason via Anna. (And Sam begat William and William begat..)

I like these types of exercises, especially when I'm foggy and panicked generally unclear (as this Monday morning finds me).  The Proust questionnaire is named for the French writer Marcel Proust, serving as the inspiration for more introspective interviews, an exercise in self exploration and a peak into the true motivations of the people providing the answers.

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Emotional health and physical health, the ability to cover my expenses without any great anxiety, knowing without hesitation that I am loved, supported and valued by the people I love, support and value...and the freedom to create things with my own two hands.   

2. What is your greatest fear?
That the things currently causing me grief, will never pass. That this, right now, is all there is to life.   

3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
My fear of inadequacy.  

4. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Cowardice.

5. Which living person do you most admire?
My aunt Elizabeth. She finds the growth in every challenge. She does amazing things but remains incredibly humble. She can hug you and reduce you to tears just from the love coming from her pores. She sees the best in you and never lets you deny that it is there. She finds joy and beauty in the things many take for granted. She's faced incredible adversity with the courage of a lion and never reduces herself to bitterness. She loves hard, thinks unselfishly, fights for what she believes in and...she's just a wonder.

6. What is your greatest extravagance?
Art supplies.

7. What is your current state of mind?
Afraid. Confused. Scattered. Isolated.   

8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Chastity. But only because of the other recognized virtues, it is the one least inclined to impede your ability to be a healthy, happy, productive individual. I know lots of people that ain't "chaste" but live life with fulfillment and purpose.
   
9. On what occasion do you lie?
When I'm afraid that the truth is going to really hurt someone with no positive consequence, self included.
   
10. What do you most dislike about your appearance?
My stomach.
   
11. Which living person do you most despise?
Well, there are a lot of people I don't like. The world is chock full of regrettable people. Though I find it more often to be a curse more than a blessing, I can sympathy or empathy for most. The living person I most despise right now might be Rush Limbaugh. He's dangerous and stirs unscrupulous passions for his own amusement. That sort of small minded deviance works on my ability to think kind thoughts.  

12. What is the quality you most like in a man?
Integrity. Not just one's ability to speak truthfully, but to do so at the cost of your own comfort and ease. Someone that is willing to be seen for who they are. To stand in their truth and not the shadow of what they want others to believe they are.  

13. What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Grace. The ability to consider feelings and actions with wisdom and well being and to act gracefully even when it might be difficult to do so.   

14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
I can't.
   
15. What or who is the greatest love of your life?
My dog. I can always count on her to love me, tend to my wounded feelings and remind me that there's a being out here that will always give as much as or more than she takes. My childhood best friend, Jameel. Over thirty years and going strong. He's been the only one to always be there, to protect me on those occasions I couldn't protect myself and to keep all of my truest thoughts, fears and feelings safe and secure. He's probably the only person I've known that closely or long who has never snatched the rug out from under me.  

16. When and where were you happiest?
The day I graduated from college and saw absolute blissful joy and delight on my father's face, knowing I had everything to do with it. A time long ago when I thought I was in love with someone just as in love with me. While everything else is in that story is but a work of fiction, that feeling I had was truer than most anything I've ever experienced. And I try to remain grateful for it.

17. Which talent would you most like to have?
The ability to read minds.
   
18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
My tendency toward self-preoccupation.   

19. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
I think that's yet to be discovered.

20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
An eagle. (feathers, not helmets)   

21. Where would you most like to live?
Sometimes I think New Mexico. Loads of pottery there, lots of ceramic inspiration, still away from the hustle and bustle of life in a city. Places I would spend a year or two? London. Toronto. New Zealand. Portugal.

22. What is your most treasured possession?
My laptop. 

23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
A life with no other passion but material gain or personal recognition. 

24. What is your favorite occupation?
Potter. Followed by writer.

25. What is your most marked characteristic?
I honestly don't know. I don't trust that I've ever had a clear lens for how others see/observe me.

26. What do you most value in your friends?
Their sincerity.

27. Who are your favorite writers?
Neil Gaiman, Octavia Butler, Pearl Cleage, Paulo Coehlo, C.S. Lewis, Anchee Min, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Maya Angelou

28. Who is your hero of fiction?
Ellen Ripley from the Alien series.

29. Which historical figure do you most identify with?
I don't think I know enough about the inner workings of any historical figure to say who that person would be.

30. Who are your heroes in real life?
The people who are driven each and every day to the commitment of human services, community service and charitable efforts.

And before I begin let me qualify my thoughts as I am a Cancerian and emotionally-driven person who cries when she's happy, cries when she's said and many times feels first and thinks second.

Don't make sensitivity a weapon.

I'm all for explaining to people that you may potentially be thin-skinned and making requests to consider your heart before entering into a potentially combustible dialogue. At all times we should take into consideration how our thoughts and expressions of them may make others feel. A defensive maneuver will almost always beget a defensive maneuver. It's the fundamental rule to conflict. You hit me, it hurts. I hit back, you hurt and the dance escalates until two people are saying or doing regrettable things. Rather than using your sensitivity as a license to kill, use it as a means to find more productive ways to speak with love. Rather than letting your sensitivity give you an unrealistic sense of entitlement and petulant expectation, try and commit to the notion that it always takes two parties to create a disagreeable relationship conflict. You are hurt...in some ways big or small, they are likely hurting, too.

Don't make sensitivity a wall to constructive criticism.

There comes a time in every adult's life when you have to suck it up and face tough talk. Especially when the tough talk potentially saves you from a choice, an action or measure that could have long-term or especially painful consequences. While I am sensitive, I expect and almost demand that the people I love, give it to me straight, particularly when I screw something up. Because I am human. I am going to do that. And yes, you can give straight talk without pulling out the clubs and knives. So keep in mind that sometimes when people speak sternly to you, it is more important to identify the value in their statement...especially when you know behind the annoyance that statement is coming from a place of love. It's nice to hear only about the wonderful things we do; but it's better to hear about the ways we can grow and elevate to keep amazing ourselves and others. Never use your 'sensitivity' as a means to avoid owning your stuff.

And you know how I feel about owning your stuff. 

Hey there friends. Yes, it's that time of year again. The time when I post photos of my clay babies and announce I'm selling them on the innurnets.

I try to limit how often I do these updates here, especially since I have a pottery blog that I use neglect for those purposes. But I did want to share my progress with you because I figured you'd like to see them I could use the supplemental income.

I've graduated to lids, casserole dishes and bigger bowls and plates. We're moving on up.

To ooh and ahh, see below. To shop, you can find me here.

Go forth and fill your libraries with media.

Seriously, thanks to everyone for being so amazing and patient. You are the reason I love Vox.

~daisy

When we quit thinking primarily about ourselves and our own self-preservation, we undergo a truly heroic transformation of consciousness. - Joseph Campbell

This summer, I accepted a co-executive director position with a arts-based non-profit. Before you go throwing confetti in my face, let me first clarify some things.

I still have my previous position with my current employer.
This position feeds my soul and not my wallet.

Now, proceed with the confetti. *dons protective garb*

Today, I visited an African American museum and cultural center here in Austin, TX to speak with their director about bringing our two missions together. It went swimmingly. As soon as I have more details firmed you'll be hearing a lot more about this next project but for now I just have to tell you...

The minute I left my meeting today, I remembered everything I have loved about community engagement. I was energized, alive, empowered and nearly intoxicated off of the joy of knowing we might just play a positive part in the development and artistic awareness of under-served children. It reminded me as I raced home on a brilliantly crisp fall morning in Austin, there is no greater satisfaction than the service we can offer to others. No matter how big or small.

It also reminded me just how much joy is a state of mind. A perspective. A lens. It cannot be found in wealth or things. But it can be found in giving of yourself for reasons that don't have a thing to do...with you.

I was just told that the Amazon Conduit will be fixed by tomorrow. I will post here as soon as I get word that it's back up and running.

I know this has been frustrating and I am sorry there wasn't more I could do to make it less so. I really appreciate your patience though.

Cheers,

daisy

• As lovely and empowering as thoughts are...thinking less from time to time lets something else...something spiritually powerful, in.

• There is incredible strength to found in vulnerability, but to experience it - you have to have the courage to accept your own weakness.

• People who truly love you will want to support you - but it's still up to you to tell them what you need. We truly do get by with a little help from our friends.
  

• The biggest truths are usually stated in ten words or less.

• No one can wrestle that truth from you - except of course...you.

 
This year has been hard. So hard in ways I don't always put in this space. Not just for me but for many around me...which makes it even more arduous. Despite this, I'm beginning to understand how much beauty there is in struggle. Not during the moments of anxiety but during those breaks in the action when you connect, when you love and you remember that you are loved in return. The tenderness you sometimes take for granted becomes the armor you use to fight another day.

Last week, the only place I could find some peace was under the spray of water in my shower stall. I stood there, longer than I normally would, letting hot water mingle with frustrated tears. Perhaps it was because my bathroom felt especially snug and warm; its enclosed space reminding me of a safety I haven't felt in what is now nearly three years. Maybe it was the healing power of water and the sound of it's falling giving me temporary privacy. Perhaps it was because my physical nudity made every part of me feel stripped. Whatever it was, in that moment I could admit in that shower that I was beaten. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Afraid. Faithless. Struggling to make a path to connect with a source of clarity that I usually keep tabs on. I spoke the words aloud..."I need help because I am so lost."

By the time I got out of the shower I was shriveled and shivery...but emptied of the contents making my belly a never-ending stew. As I crawled into bed and said prayers to whatever spiritual power you wish to call it, I made it clear that I understood that none of this stuff was going to magically be resolved by the might of my own hand or the might of my intellect or even my wayward ego. I was going to require some signs and assistance. Some spiritual intervention. And I had every intention on shutting up with my antics until it was revealed to me.

Revelations don't come with a trumpet blare or call for attention. They slip in quietly and wait to be acknowledged. Thankfully, they're willing to hang around until you extract your head from your tail so that you may see them.

Tonight, I rest well with clarity. I know I am loved. I know I have been loved.  know that I am safe, even when flying blind. And I can find the beauty in all things big and small. Life can be good.

...Even when it's choking the crap out of you.

Bad news. As many of you have probably noticed, the Amazon Conduit was not fixed in the last week's release. Unfortunately, there was an undetected bug that is preventing the conduit from working.

We are working on this bug fix and hope to have the Conduit back up and running this week.

I will keep you posted.

Thank you for being so patient.

~daisy

It seems that 30 members of the senate think it's just dandy for a young woman to be brutally gang raped, locked away by her employer and be denied justice, as long as a profit is being turned. Does your senator support taxpayer-subsided rape: http://bit.ly/IZtaj

I have been somewhat thrown off kilter by some recent, and some not-so-recent, but lingering situations that have significantly degraded my ability to be trusting of people. I have always had the philosophy that it's best to stay open to people and let them deal with the consequences of whatever they might do to betray that openness. However, whether it's through random dumb luck, or something I'm unconsciously doing when I make choices about who to be open with and who to let into my life, I seem to have encountered an unusual amount of unreliable people over the past few years. This is not some woe is me post, although I have had moments, days, weeks of "woe-is-me-ness" about this whole thing. I'm well aware that even under the worst of betrayals, the amount of fortune and goodness and goodwill in my life vastly outweighs the bad. But it's just inconvenient. Annoyingly so. It's inconvenient that the sketchy housemate who I took in and was lenient with took off one day owing me a decent chunk of money. It's inconvenient that my current housemate, though he is a good-hearted, good-natured sort, does not seem to understand that I asked him to fix the gate because I cannot, and because the gate is necessary for the well-being of the dog, and that taking the gate off of its hinges and NOT repairing it for over 2 months, forcing us to walk the dog in the backyard 3-4 times a day makes my life inordinately more stressful than it ought to be. And it's especially inconvenient that a person I trusted probably more than I've trusted most other people in my life decided to majorly flake on me in a financial way that is causing me to have to be extra super guarded about my finances, which makes me unable, at this time, to pay for someone ELSE to fix the gate. You see what I mean. Things add up, and snowball, and I feel buried. And irritated. All of these are small things, none of them are catastrophic. And even all together, they are not really any big deal. However, when added to my long-term trust issues...and coupled with a busy schedule, a new(ish) job, and other ongoing challenges with various challenging people in my life...sometimes it's difficult not to get buried in negativity and cynicism. That's all I'm saying really. I'm desperately trying to avoid being buried in negativity and cynicism. So I needed a day like Friday. I needed a day in which I was not responsible for any other children except my own (which is a phenomenon that I had to guiltily request from the person whose child I have watched every Friday for about the past 3 years or so, and who has been extremely helpful in watching my children during that time.) So, CHECK. I needed a day with perfect weather in which I wasn't debilitated by allergies. CHECK. I needed to get out of the house and out from under my little black cloud and into the sunshine. CHECK. And all of those ingredients added up to make a perfect day. Sure, Monk complained bitterly about having to be outside and playing and *gasp* maybe even EXERCISING. Yes, he actually FAKED AN INJURY and then TRIED TO GUILT TRIP ME when I didn't believe that he was injured (I finally gave in and said "fine...I'm sorry I didn't believe you...if you are really so injured that you can't even walk, let's go to the emergency room." Which caused him to instantly cop to his fake. sigh.) But when all was said and done, and we finally all settled into being out on the creek front, the boys took to creating an elaborate system of complex societies, and I set about meditating on the issues at hand, attempting to dissuade myself from misery. The most important factor of the day, I think, was the prework. The night before, I had been able to process the events with someone who was not judgmental or overly-needing-to-fix-things (a quality that is way underrated, as far as I'm concerned) and I came to the conclusion that all of these disconnected events were, in fact, not specific to me, but rather random things that all converged, unfortunately, within the same timespan. Given that, it was easier for me to face that, yes, I did have a reason to feel somewhat cynical. And perhaps that cynicism could be instructive and constructive rather than destructive. It's funny how so much of life is about breathing in and breathing out. Taking in, and putting out. Experiencing, and processing. The problem with getting older is that you not only end up experiencing more beauty and pleasure, just by virtue of being alive, but you also experience more ugliness and grief...all the more because the older you get, the less mobility you have to avoid such things. And it's funny, because today I am reading _How We Decide_ by Jonah Lehrer...and there's a lot in that book about how the human brain works when it comes to making decisions. There's a quote about loss aversion, and how most people need to hear 5 positive comments to outweight 1 criticism. And I'm thinking perhaps this is why I am drawn to counting blessings in fives. For me, though, it was enough to have one day of bliss. One day of perfect sunshine that wasn't too hot, and a sky the exact right shade of blue against the outline of richly green trees. One day of boys being boys without being obnoxious. When it was almost time for us to leave the park, I noticed there was an older man sitting on the creek bed near where my children were playing. Immediately my creep-meter went off...but upon looking closer at this man, I realized he was familiar to me, and in fact he was. He was an old client of mine, one of my favorites. He had come to us as a retiree who needed to return to the workforce, and he needed computer skills in order to do so, and he stuck with us through most, if not all, of our 8 weeks of basic and fundamental classes. Then he disappeared, as all of our clients do, and I hadn't seen or heard from him in a couple of years. So, we talked while the children explained their worlds to us, he told me what had happened in his world since I had last seen him. He told me I had changed his life. That he used the skills we had taught him, went to school, found a job...but then lost it when the economy crashed. Still, through it all he maintained that he would be a completely different person had he not taken our computer classes. And he meant that in a good way. I'm sure he had no idea how much I needed to hear that just that day. It was my fifth positive thing that tipped the scales on one negative. How wonderful it is that all of these tiny deposits I put into the people that I serve during my work day come back to me when I least expect them, like giant human windfalls of hope, just when I feel like I've gone broke...