8 posts tagged “me”

it was like that one scene in the legend of billie jean...

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second interview
feeling very confident
waiting on the call

Let's just say I am completely relating to Lil Mama and Avril Lavigne right now.

He stresses the word dating.  I asked him flat out today if he is in love with her, and he said he would let me know when he gets there.  I guess that is his way of saying no.

He stresses to me that I can't complain, because I stayed involved with him while I was supposedly digging him.  He's right, of course, but it doesn't make it sting any less.  He even said to me, "dang, you must have been really in love with dude."

I passed it off as rhetorical, but then he gave the indication that he was actually awaiting a response, and I was put in the position of owning my shit, so I said, "Once upon a time, yes."

It was once upon a time, wasn't it?  I'm not feeling it anymore, am I?  We said our goodbyes and that was supposed to be that, right?

So why is it, as I answered the question, I felt as if I were lying or covering something up? 

And why is it that I am bothered that he is seeing someone now when I'm not?

There is a word for people like me, selfish.

Much like the feline representation of my zodiac sign, I am possessive and territorial to a point.  I like to possess, and once I have possessed, I feel like it is mine, even if it is no longer in my possession. Don't make me claw you.

I do see the error in this logic, of course, but it is all a part of that growing up thing, and this is one of those things that I am not over yet.

So no, I don't like your girlfriend, and it's not because of any personal issue between she and I. 

I don't like your girlfriend because she isn't me.

Dear Anitra,

One of the biggest changes to come about since I've been in Los Angeles is my lack of online time.  More specifically, I miss our online chats. 

In Vegas I would log on shortly after waking up to see you already up, at work and ready to have one of our usual "girl talks" where we think the same thoughts, have pretty much the same opinions and laugh at our own inside jokes.  I miss that.  Having my schedule change at work has put a damper on my "Nini time", and I am definitely feeling it.

If I had been able to catch you online today, I would have told you about the fucked up ass letter I wrote to my ex (You know, the Mama's Boy), because I'm still in one of those letter writing moods.  Girl, I called him all kinds of Mama's Boys and selfish bastards, and I pointed out to him how he constantly uses me to prop him up.  I basically let him know I will no longer be the kick-stand supporting his broke down ass life, and he will have to get along without me.  Even if I didn't say it in those words, I'm sure it was implied in one of those "mother fuckers" or "fuck you, you tit-sucking piece of shits".

I would tell you how Allen E's band has the new music up with him singing the leads now.  Remember the MySpace page I showed you?  I listened to that music today and was filled with so much love for him, because even though he can sometimes be a clueless jerk, he was my clueless jerk, and I love the way he sings.  He's such a rockstar.

I'd tell you how my commute to work only took about 35 minutes today.  Leaving at 5am has its benefits.  No one was on the 10 or the 5, and I felt like the world's luckiest commuter.  Driving back and forth to Orange County may not be so bad after all.

I'd tell you how I love my new office.  It's so big and pretty and CLEAN.  Even the bathrooms are top notch.  I'd promise to take pictures tomorrow and post them, so you can see just what I mean.

I'd tell you about how I've been more conscious of what I put in my mouth, and a bag of Skittles today was the first real bullshit I've had.  I've traded my frappucinos in for regular coffee with less than an ounce of steamed milk.  Starbucks is still getting my money, but less of it. 

I'd tell you how funny it was that I was up before McDonald's breakfast today.

I'd tell you how that show Baldwin Hills on BET is so freaking funny to me, but I watch it like a train wreck every time it is on.

I'd tell you how happy I am that cable out here has TvOne.

I'd tell you about the walk I took today.  I actually took pictures on this one.  I'd tell you how I love living in my neighborhood, and I show you the pictures of the pool we used to pay fifty cents to swim in when we were kids, the sunset I captured between the trees, the men playing soccer on the field in the park, the houses with the red doors (there were lots!) and the street I thought looked more like a Thomas Kincaide photo than the street me, Nakachi and Knaw'lej used to live on.

I'd tell you how four days in, I feel so far removed from my Vegas life, and I know that sounds silly because I've not been here that long, but it's true, and I'd know that when I said it, you would understand just what i meant, because we are always righthere.

I'd end it all as I usually do, telling you how much I love you, sending you the little kissy face smileys and looking forward to speaking with you the next day.

Since you weren't online for me to say all of this to, I wrote it in this letter.

Love,
Monique

Today was my first day of work in the new office.  I loved it.  My bosses are great and my commute wasn't as bad as I envisioned it would be. 

I got home early enough to not make excuses about exercise, and after dinner, my sister and I went for a long walk.  I had the ankle weights on, and in the middle of it, my legs felt like lead, but towards the end, that high kicked in, and I couldn't even feel the weights anymore.  Of course, I noticed it when I took them off.

And now I'm sitting in front of the computer, all shiny-faced and lightly sweaty, ready for a shower and bed, because now that I'll be working 6a-3p, i have to get up pretty damn early in the morning.

I am grateful to live in a neighborhood where a walk like the one I took tonight is possible.  It was nice, tree-lined and shady, with just enough breeze to keep me from sweating like a pig.

it's sunday.  it's cool and breezy outside so far.  nothing like the hot dragon breath i just left behind.  i'm thinking about getting a pedicure and going to the beach, but not in that order.

it's nice to be able to sit in a house with the windows open.  the sound of the street and the wind blowing the blinds back and forth has been a foreign one to me for a long time. 

i had six cds in my disc player for my drive, and just as i made the 15/10 interchange which really lets you know you are basically in L.A., the Red Hot Chili Peppers kicked on with Dani California.  Signs...

i want to go listen to them now, with my camera and a good book, smell the ocean and watch the waves.

but first, i have to get the rest of my clothes out of the car.

aka: what i am feeling right now

anticipation,
excitement, renewal and
rejuvenation

knaw'lej

I had to get up at 6:30 in the morning for the second day in a row.  I'm not used to operating on anyone's schedule other than my own, but this getting up is a good thing, because it is making me some money. 

Making money gives me the feeling of "heyyyyyy", sorta like how Knaw'lej looks in this picture.  In fact, exactly like that.  I admitted to my friends (and probably to myself) that I am incredibly materialistic.  I love money and things.  Part of it is probably the way I grew up and the rest of it I will attribute to my having acquired a great many things, but I've recently picked back up my Coach handbag habit (and this after I gave probably my best collector item/limited edition bags away to younger cousins and my mom), and my label whoring has gotten worse with my discovery that the Macy's in the Fashion Show mall has much love for the big girls with their huge selection of Baby Phat, Apple Bottom and Rocawear in plus sizes, not to mention all the other labels and designs they have in that department that I have yet to experiment with.  I spend way too much time there trying on clothing and putting together outfit.  The M.A.C. counter has seen me every single week since December started, because I'm sure every girl discovers she could use just one more lipliner in a lighter/darker shade each time she applies her make up.

I told Carla and Tiffanny, "You're about to see the old Monique make a reappearance."  Tiffanny knew exactly what I meant, because she remembers the days when we were at our old job and would spend our entire lunch hour at the M.A.C. counter or Coach store.

I guess you can say I've gotten my groove back.  I even started updating my regular website again.

I'd go on and on, but I have to get grooving and get off to my job.